The day they said gravity was going to kill me.

"You are going to fight gravity, everyday for the rest of your life." --that dumb ass that has a medical degree

Thank you for the tip, did you print your certificate online? Bravo on your diagnostic Doctor number 75, I really didn't see that one coming.

Sometimes I can feel my rib cage turning, it sounds painful, and I guess it can be but I can deal with it.

Oneday I was lying on my bed and I felt a sharp pain where my lungs should be. And I waited till it passed then moved on.

If im going to be honest with you, I hate talking to people about it. Mostly because its always the same questions I really don't know the answers to...

Every docter has been differnt, but they are all just as clueless. There is no cure, and nobody knows how you get it. So 'treatment' is just them telling me gravity will kill me. Then I go home and think about all the the chiropractors I have seen, and wonder how many I will out live. Those bastards dont get to tell me I'll die, and they sure as hell arent going to stop me from being happy. So screw them, screw gravity, screw surgery, and screw anyone that thinks I cant live my life and have scoliosis. 

Thank you and goodnight.

Yours, 

Peter Van Houten

Tell me about the night sky.

Look at the stars, Really look at them, now tell me there's nothing magical in the world. 

Stop telling me that space is big and empty. Stop telling me the moons not made of cheese. And the next person to tell me stars are dead and burned out by the time I see them sparkle, will get punched in the face.

Why ruin it? Why don't you believe in Santa, or the tooth fairy? Why kill the dreams of the innocent?

We are the monsters that everyone fears.

We are the dream killers and We are the heartless, the worst part is no one stops us.

The moon can be made out of freaking cheese if i want it to be, and yes santa comes to visit me once a year and no its not my mom that stole my teeth and left a few dollars. Shut up and let me dream. Let me watch the magic in the sky and PLEASE tell me stories that dont make sense, because life is to short, cold, and lonly to be a dream killer. Forget science for once and be a dreamer.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten.

When my eyes close

I don't sleep ever. That's why I'm never at school. I can't close my eyes without remembering the days when we were all scared., and sometimes I can see his face in my mind, his smug mug shot makes me sick. I got a letter a year ago yesterday asking for me to appear in court with the rest of my family, I deferred the invite to breath the same air as that asshole. It makes my mother cry when I talk about how it just about claimed my sanity. I think it's easier to write about. I want to tell you the story, but I can't. It's way to hard to explain without the backstory and that will take all day. So just know that it started with a fire and ended with New Jersey. For the next 25 years it will be New Jersey, then I'm getting a gun.  Because I am not going to be scared, I want to close my eyes and see light. Not his orange jump suit.

The day I grew up

Today I grew up. I sent out my first collage application, and I'm feeling okay. A little dizzy and quite honestly out of breath. I'm realizing nothing will ever be the same after I graduate. I'm worried the world will never be so beautiful and I'll start to see things like every other person that work from 9-5.

My bones talk, but do I still listen? I have no clue what I'm doing with these damn collage applications and I am trying to figure out where I'll be living a year from now. I CAN HEAR MY BONES SCREAMING. They aren't making any sense or I'm just on a different frequency, but I can hear something and I can feel even more. It's like panic and fear all wrapped in one.  Every now and again I can make out a word to two, today this is as far as I got;

DONT ....LEFT.... BEHIND....

And then the static came back and I couldn't hear the rest. My heart is making it hard too, with all the beating in my ears, making It impossible to  understand my bones. All my bones do is translate for my heart but my bones are saying the wrong things, so my heart try's to scream over my bones hoping to get me the message. It just makes it harder. I hear it gets better. I also hear lying is a sin.

I'm sick of all of these feelings.

I just want to be.

Without all the bullshit.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten

The Letter.

People change. People change and they forget to tell each other. That's what happened. We were the best of friends then I think I changed, or maybe it was you, because I'm still the same. Its cool, friends are just a temporary thing from the looks of it. I think you are still a good person, but at the same time I think you're a joke.

 Seriously THAT boy, out of every one in the damn student body. You did change, because you used to hate him too! was it hate desperation to have a boyfriend? did popularity look so fun? you would tell me about why you didn't like the very people you spend your time with. It was an act apparently. Remember the time You left me behind? that was cool. You left me when I needed you the most, and it was like I didn't matter any more. What a joke. And I'm the punch line.

I hope you find my blog and read thing and in the back of your mind you'll know exactly who I am. This is all my final say on the matter though. When I graduate, I'm leaving it all behind and never looking back on you or Utah at all. Its 'friends' like you that make me High School, I don't even mind the math classes and papers. Its having to survive a place with some one ready to leave you to do it all alone.  Now it doesn't even matter I guess, and this so called letter isn't even real, and I know its been a while but lets just take a second to let it all go.

I'm officially over it. Thanks for being my temporary friend.

I wish I could say its been real.

Yours, 

Peter Van Houten

I Could Never Make Dying Beautiful

"and i have miles to go before i sleep" -Robert Frost

Remember that part in snow white, when she is in the glass box? She looked so beautifully peaceful. Nothing could corrupt the corps but time. Lucky for her she was kissed my prince charming and lived happily ever after. We are not that lucky. Here in the 'Real World' fairy tales and 'happily ever afters' are cheap key chains we buy at Disneyland. We don't live forever and people are constantly getting beat by the clock.

Sometimes I think about how it will end. everyone says they want a painless death in there sleep. and hey maybe that works for them, but not me. i want to be living until my bones shut down and forget how to speak. I want my world to be spinning right up to the last second. I could die right now and be happy with my life. That's all I could ever ask for, to be at peace with how I have spent my time. 

 I could never make dying a beautiful thing like Snow White, because it's not supposed to be beautiful, we'll the death I've known has never been Beautiful. It just changes you, maybe that's why it's beautiful, it helps you realize the important things.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten 

UNTITTLED

I think I am suffering from writers block.

I hope it goes away, I really do want to let my bones take the stage and talk but my mind is getting in the way.

I'm sorry

Truly I am 

I just cant think of what needs to be said.

so i'll post this for now, just thought I would let you know whats going on.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten

FEAR is a Four letter word

I Fear it will end like a Taylor Swift song. or worse, I'll end up making a spin off video of wrecking ball.

I Fear I'm wasting time on stupid things that wont matter a year from now.

I Fear that the world and I don't see eye to eye. 

I Fear I will spend the rest of my life wondering why.

I Fear I can never be happy like i used to be.

I Fear that the truth is absolute

But what i really fear is that four letter word that runs through my mind when I think of you. I fear the word fear, because fear means this is real, and I don't know if i'm ready for my fears to be more that something I write in my journal. 

I just wish the world and i could see eye to eye.

I wish i could forget about the bad, and focus on only the good.

I wish you would tell me the truth. only once, then I wouldn't be so fear filled. 

I heard a wish is a dream your heart makes.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten