I Remember...

I remember... I remember when used to hang on your arm in the swimming pool before I knew that the water didn't have sharks swimming below. I Remember that one time when you taught me to ride a bike, Krista was there too, but I was the first one to make it down the hill with only two wheels to keep me going. I remember how proud you looked, and how you told people how great I was. I remember the time we went would walk down to the air strip and watch planes take off for hours. I remember thinking I would fly one someday, and then you would remember with me, and life was just that easy. I remember the tour we took of the flight school, and I remember going to the museum after. That day was the greatest, and I'll always remember. I think I'll always remember the days that followed, even if I tried to forget I don't think I could... You know the day when mom lied, and she said you went on a trip. I'll always remember thinking you would never leave without a goodbye, or your phone. I remember the day I found the truth in her eyes, and I remember that feeling that didn't really feel like anything, and I don't think it has really left. I remember being afraid for you and somehow I prayed for you, even though I couldn't remember if god was real. I remember how far away I felt from average, and how normal it felt. I remember telling people I was fine, and never letting people see me cry. I remember the letter I wrote you, and the poem that made me think about you. I remember when you told me it made you cry, I cried to. I remember going to your day in court, you were so close and I wanted to hug you and I remember the cuffs on your wrists, and the worn stripes of your shirt. And I remember sitting so still and strong, I looked just like mom. And I remember krista sobbing. And I remember how mad I was, and I can feel it now, straight anger, the kind that shakes your skin, and melts the kindness in your eyes. I remember how I hated anyone who dare smile, laugh, cry, or breath. Only because I remember how the world was with you, and nothing would ever be as funny, sad, or worth breathing for until you were back. I remember wanting to be selfish, trying to remember good times but never to share. I remember the journal that helped me grow up, and be alright for a little while. But I also remember the 63 days I had to miss you and worry about you, and I think I still do. I remember the day I tried to see the world like you used to, and I remember looking at old photos, trying to find you as you. And I remember the day we got that call, the one that told us you were going to be free, and I remember the tears of pure happiness, I'll never forget the absolute joy I felt. I remember wanting to run to where you were, but being stuck here, and I remember you telling me that it felt like you were still in that place because you still haven't seen any of our faces. I remember when my bones told my heart you'll be okay, and I think I remember that being enough. I remember sharing my blog with you after, and I remember how much you gushed about it, even the dark stuff. I remember how empowered I felt in my writing, I never thought it was much of anything until you told me. 

Yours,

Peter Van Houten

How to forget

this is not going to be some instructional video about how to get over your boyfriend. this sure as hell wont be for people wanting to forget forever, That wont fix anything.

First thing about what it is you want to forget, and I mean really think. Once you have every last thought that relates to that one thing in mind, take a deep breath in and then slowly exhale. Letting all of those thoughts go with it. Imagine they escape with your breath, and do it again, and again, and again until you feel numb. 

Once the numbing kicks in (and it will kick in), go fall asleep. When you wake up I guarantee you wont remember. Until someone asks how your doing. Then it will all come rushing back, and it feels like it wont go away, and maybe it doesn't. I haven't gotten that far in the process yet. 

I guess this post is kind of miss leading.

Like you actually thought you could forget pain.

I know what doesn't work at this point, bottling it up. Maybe the real trick is not forgetting, I think the key might be to remember, not dwell but remember. Only the good things though, that's all that really mattered anyway. 

Yours,

Peter Van Houten

Sad Chairs

Forgotten Dreams

Things Change

Poverty

Jealousy

"And back then I wanted to be a Astronaut, I wanted to be an Architect, an Artist, a Secret Agent, a Ranger for the World Wildlife Fund, and a Hobo..." --Anis Mojgani, FOR THOSE WHO CAN STILL RIDE AN AIRPLANE LIKE ITS THE FIRST TIME.

Anis Mojgani is more than a poet, he is a mind reader and I don't know what I would do if he didn't write the things he does. I would be more lost than I am, and I would feel alone and I wouldn't have words to make me feel better.

 I'm jealous some one can make me feel that i'm not alone in this world. I want to be that person that helps someone they've never met with only the words I speak and write.

I don't think this is actually me being jealous, Anis is my freaking hero. Its like his poems are written with me in mind. Every time I read or hear his stuff I want to write and tell people that the world is messy and you need Anis to guide you through it. I just love that guy, HE UNDERSTANDS WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE HUMAN. And that's all you need.

"Cussing doesn’t come from a lack of vocabulary – I know all the other words. None of them speak the same language that my fucking heart does." - Anis Mojgani

I'm seriously OBSESSED with everything this guy says.

 I just want to be his best friend.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten

I Just Wanted To Fly

Did you know I was going to be a pilot? I was going to pay $65,000.00 to learn how to fly, it was going to be the time of my life. The best part?or was it the worst part? It wasn't just my dream. It was our dream. He had planted the dream and, It finally grew and I was so excited. We were going to share my future, and I would fly us around the world. It would be just like our Sunday morning bike rides around the lake, before I knew how to ride a bike. It would be me in the drivers seat and he would just be there. He would be proud of me and i would know how to fly.

then it was crushed.

It was 'unsafe'

It was expensive

It wasn't College

I was my dream, but now its a fantasy.

It was my mom, she said no and i had to take it because my dad isn't here to stop her. And now were leaving the idea here in Utah, while we leave. but don't you worry, my head wont be in the clouds, they'll be in the books because that's what people do. That's what the dead people do, they don't dream of flying and planes. that's too dangerous.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten