I Remember...

I remember... I remember when used to hang on your arm in the swimming pool before I knew that the water didn't have sharks swimming below. I Remember that one time when you taught me to ride a bike, Krista was there too, but I was the first one to make it down the hill with only two wheels to keep me going. I remember how proud you looked, and how you told people how great I was. I remember the time we went would walk down to the air strip and watch planes take off for hours. I remember thinking I would fly one someday, and then you would remember with me, and life was just that easy. I remember the tour we took of the flight school, and I remember going to the museum after. That day was the greatest, and I'll always remember. I think I'll always remember the days that followed, even if I tried to forget I don't think I could... You know the day when mom lied, and she said you went on a trip. I'll always remember thinking you would never leave without a goodbye, or your phone. I remember the day I found the truth in her eyes, and I remember that feeling that didn't really feel like anything, and I don't think it has really left. I remember being afraid for you and somehow I prayed for you, even though I couldn't remember if god was real. I remember how far away I felt from average, and how normal it felt. I remember telling people I was fine, and never letting people see me cry. I remember the letter I wrote you, and the poem that made me think about you. I remember when you told me it made you cry, I cried to. I remember going to your day in court, you were so close and I wanted to hug you and I remember the cuffs on your wrists, and the worn stripes of your shirt. And I remember sitting so still and strong, I looked just like mom. And I remember krista sobbing. And I remember how mad I was, and I can feel it now, straight anger, the kind that shakes your skin, and melts the kindness in your eyes. I remember how I hated anyone who dare smile, laugh, cry, or breath. Only because I remember how the world was with you, and nothing would ever be as funny, sad, or worth breathing for until you were back. I remember wanting to be selfish, trying to remember good times but never to share. I remember the journal that helped me grow up, and be alright for a little while. But I also remember the 63 days I had to miss you and worry about you, and I think I still do. I remember the day I tried to see the world like you used to, and I remember looking at old photos, trying to find you as you. And I remember the day we got that call, the one that told us you were going to be free, and I remember the tears of pure happiness, I'll never forget the absolute joy I felt. I remember wanting to run to where you were, but being stuck here, and I remember you telling me that it felt like you were still in that place because you still haven't seen any of our faces. I remember when my bones told my heart you'll be okay, and I think I remember that being enough. I remember sharing my blog with you after, and I remember how much you gushed about it, even the dark stuff. I remember how empowered I felt in my writing, I never thought it was much of anything until you told me. 

Yours,

Peter Van Houten