What feels right

And some days you've got to stop worrying about the future and just sit in your back yard and look at the stars, because that's the only way to remember what really matters anymore. You've got to love yourself, even when you don't think you can. Eat 5¢ candies till you feel sick, and when you think you're done, go to the park and swing as high as you can, and maybe you'll feel like your flying. Wake up early and see the sun dry out the dark sky, and don't think about anything but the colors swirling together like Cotten candy at the state fair. And when you feel like falling down, get your ass up, try your best to live, and do what feels right. Who needs drugs when you've got life.

Exit wounds

I can tell things aren't going to be the same, and I know that some day they will be better. I hope that everyone got what they wanted, and even though I know you're going through something right now, I hope you find yourself again... Every once in a while I get a clip of what life would have been like if nothing had happened. I hope that one day you forget what others thought and when you think of what happened in your life you think of how far you've come. The hardest part in all of this is trying to patch up all of the big mistakes and wounds that were left exposed for too long. I know you're figuring stuff out right now, and you might be here but you're mind is elsewhere... And wherever you find yourself these days, I hope you feel free. I hope you see what life can be and you feel like trying to stand up one more time, with the chance it might be the time your legs don't give out. I hope you are not beating yourself up over anything, and you give yourself credit where its due. I wonder about the days ill see you again, the you that I remember, the you that wouldn't leave me waiting on your last word, the you that would take down mountains to clear the obstacle in you're path, even if it wasn't the easier way. I know you're in there somewhere, and I hope you can find the exit wounds, just because you left your mistakes there doesn't mean they left you.

Standing in the heart of darkness

God I miss you. I miss you like the stars miss the sky, and the sun misses the moon. I miss you more than winter misses summer or the fall misses the spring. I miss you so much It hurts to think. I miss you more than my body misses sleep, and I mean it. 

I miss you 

I miss you

I miss all of you

Especially in this moment, and my eyes sting with the memory of everything.

I miss you so much I'm not going to tell you. I miss that smile, those eyes, the way you sound after you lie... I miss you.

The good and the bad, and everything In between and I hope you're not missing me like this too because it hurts like hell. I just needed someone to know, I miss you more than music misses a beat, more than oceans misses the beach. I miss you.

Like a bullet from a gun

I can't remember the last time I knew where I was going. And I think I want to be myself again but I'm not sure who that is. Someone told me I'm on the real world now, and I think I got locked in. Greens not a creative Color here. That cannot be true though because green makes me write about dinosaurs invading Mars, to save the one they love. And green makes me think of four leaf clovers and leprecons. And green makes me feel like falling in love. Where can I see the rule book for this 'real world' I've been hearing about. I came out of high school like a bullet from a gun, and I'm still trying to figure out who pulled the trigger, let alone raised the gun. 

Automatic

I don't think that I have a great way of saying it would mean the world without scaring people. 

Sorry for the rest of my life. 

Yours truly,

A regular person 

Don't you dare say it. Don't even think of it. I have cried too many tears and fought to many battles and lost too many fights to hear about her person whisper that word. No. Do me a favor? Of course not, because people don't do that anymore. The human race is broken and the Manuel on how to fix it was lost in the fire. I just want to be independent, is that too much to ask? Yes, you don't ask for independence you take it goddammit! You know what I've discovered in my 18 years? No one is going to care about your problem the way you do, and no one is going to fight for you like you do, and no one will give a damn about anything you say unless you do. So believe the words you speak and for the love of god don't put your fait in the hands of anyone but you, because people don't do favors unless they are the benefactor. You hear that?? Nobody cares what you put on twitter. And that my friends is what it feels like to be in the real world.

Yours,

Peter Van Houten

Speech/Poem/Rant/Truth/Life.

I'M. FINE.

I'm fine, Just Don't ask again, because the truth is I'm not fine and I'm sick of you and every other person asking. I'll never tell you the real truth. Do you even realize what's going on, what I have going through my mind ever second of every single day. I want everything to be okay like people say it will be, but it's still not Okay. Pretending isn't enough anymore and the emptiness I feel is real. It burns like a heat rash in July, and the Aloe Vera is expired.... I wish I could forget, forget everything that hurts and just be invisible. . . . I don't even know what I believe in anymore. Because the truth isn't what I'm reading and nothing will be the same. I can't close my eyes and feel safe because my innocent eyes have been stripped from the bubble, real things happen. Believing in writing will never be the same....  because the newspaper is warped from the lies that blend so well and nobody will ever know what the real truth is. So don't ask me how I'm doing, and don't say you know what I'm going through, because I don't know how I'm doing and I don't know what I'm going through. And the answer will always be the same every time. I'm sitting in algebra trying to find X, and the only thing i can find is 49000, because that's how maybe steps it would take me to get there. Then there's the 100 foot gap even after coming 245 miles, they want me to plug the numbers in and tell them the answer, but I have no answers, and I can't seem to focus. because all i can think of is the 30 minutes I get to look at you through a narrow screen. That's what sucks, visiting isn't actually visiting. It's stupid how going that far I still can't give you a hug, or hear your real voice. No because your apparently not a person anymore, But in reality no ones is human. We are all dying to shove someone under the bus. and here i am trying to find X because Y is missing him. It's days like these I wonder if god is a real thing, because why would god let you be away from us, and why would god make me feel so alone and why would god make the hurting worse. I wish I had an answer, I want to scream until this so called god could hear me, I mean really hear me. And I'd get my freaking answers. I don't even know what I believe in anymore. Actually that's a lie, I believe in poetry, and writing.... The creative kind because the newspaper is warped and nobody knows what the truth Is anymore. But I'm fine, really, but you're not supposed to ask me again.